josie Posted August 23, 2018 Report Share Posted August 23, 2018 (edited) Here's one for you: 1. Ok ok, a real joke. What do you call it when an arrogant politician convicted of wrongdoing goes downstairs? A condescending con descending. Edited August 23, 2018 by josie 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LikeEich Posted August 26, 2018 Report Share Posted August 26, 2018 (edited) Innaproprite language and content WARNING A guy walks into a bar, looking sad and sulking. After a few rounds bartender asks him what's wrong. He replies "I went skydiving Yesterday, my spot in line came up and I couldn't do it, I went to the back of the line. Finally everyone had jumped bit my and my instructor and I couldn't find the courage, so my instructor whips out his big black dick and says jump or I above it in your ass" after watching the man down his shot, bartender says "well did you jump?" The man replies " a little at first". Two men are sitting down for lunch and one says to the other "I've been screwing up my words so much lately, a week ago I was getting train tickets to Pittsburgh, the lady serving me had HUGE knockers and I accidentally asked for 2 pickets to Titsburgh." The other man says "that's not so bad, yesterday I was having supper with my wife and kids. I meant to ask my wife to pass me the salt but I actually said you ruined my life you f@king beetch. Adam is sitting in the garden and he's lonely. God sees this and descends for a conversation. "Adam I see that you are lonely, you've been obedient and loyal so I have decided to give you a partner, someone who will cook and clean for you, hear all of your concerns and make sure each one of your needs are met!" "That sound fantastic" replies Adam "but what is it going to cost me?" God answers "An arm and a leg" Adam asks "what can I get for a rib?" Edited August 26, 2018 by LikeEich Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iron Crotch Posted August 27, 2018 Report Share Posted August 27, 2018 My job circumcising elephants doesn't pay much... but the tips are huge. 2 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Huckleberry Posted September 18, 2018 Report Share Posted September 18, 2018 On 8/21/2018 at 6:06 AM, ubkev said: What's the difference between canoes and Canadians? Canoes tip! Take that, Canada! Europe and Canada have proper minimum wages, take that USA ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ubkev Posted September 18, 2018 Report Share Posted September 18, 2018 24 minutes ago, Huckleberry said: Europe and Canada have proper minimum wages, take that USA ? I'm so sorry I forgot to include all of Europe in the cheapskate joke. Sorry Huck, know that all Americans in the service industry hate you guys too. ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SwampD Posted September 18, 2018 Report Share Posted September 18, 2018 nsfw Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Huckleberry Posted September 18, 2018 Report Share Posted September 18, 2018 3 hours ago, ubkev said: I'm so sorry I forgot to include all of Europe in the cheapskate joke. Sorry Huck, know that all Americans in the service industry hate you guys too. ? We are just not used to tipping ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eleven Posted September 19, 2018 Report Share Posted September 19, 2018 On 8/23/2018 at 10:38 AM, josie said: Here's one for you: 1. Ok ok, a real joke. What do you call it when an arrogant politician convicted of wrongdoing goes downstairs? A condescending con descending. I can't tell you how many times I've used this since the Manafort conviction. (Yes it would work for other politicians too so this does not render this post political.) I absolutely love it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eleven Posted September 19, 2018 Report Share Posted September 19, 2018 11 minutes ago, cpabob said: The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer. Suzie stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband, Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Frank must have experienced. "Frank was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Frank's , and wrap wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Frank. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Frank is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Frank." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum." I take it that we're missing a word here somewhere. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weave Posted September 19, 2018 Report Share Posted September 19, 2018 The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Claddaghduff, Ireland man answered his door to find a grim-faced Constable & his lieutenant waiting in the front yard. "We're sorry, Mr. O'Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers." "Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O'Flynn asked. The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?" Fearing the worst, Mr. O'Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first." The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay." "Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O'Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?" The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch." Stunned, Mr. O' Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?" The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow." 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ho-Chi-Sock Posted September 20, 2018 Report Share Posted September 20, 2018 NSFW in parts: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nfreeman Posted September 21, 2018 Author Report Share Posted September 21, 2018 For those of us of a certain age: Q: What did Jerry Garcia say when he stopped taking drugs? A: "This music sucks!" 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SwampD Posted September 22, 2018 Report Share Posted September 22, 2018 4 hours ago, nfreeman said: For those of us of a certain age: Q: What did Jerry Garcia say when he stopped taking drugs? A: "This music sucks!" That's awesome. I never had to stop taking drugs to realize that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iron Crotch Posted September 23, 2018 Report Share Posted September 23, 2018 A slice of apple pie in Jamaica costs $2.00. It is $2.50 in the Bahamas. ….these are the pie rates of the Caribbean. ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eleven Posted September 24, 2018 Report Share Posted September 24, 2018 Josh Allen jumped over A. Barr... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MattPie Posted September 24, 2018 Report Share Posted September 24, 2018 I think I've posted this before: How many Rochestarians does it take to change a light bulb? 50. One to change it, and 49 to comment about how much better is it than the one in Buffalo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Huckleberry Posted October 10, 2018 Report Share Posted October 10, 2018 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
North Buffalo Posted October 10, 2018 Report Share Posted October 10, 2018 Old one, but how many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only 1, but you need 15 to experience it. What is the difference between an Alcoholic and a Heroin addict...? They will both steal your wallet, but the Heroin addict will help you look for it... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
josie Posted October 10, 2018 Report Share Posted October 10, 2018 (edited) 9 minutes ago, North Buffalo said: Old one, but how many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only 1, but you need 15 to experience it. What is the difference between an Alcoholic and a Heroin addict...? They will both steal your wallet, but the Heroin addict will help you look for it... The second reminds me of Craig Ferguson. He cracks that joke in his autobiography and also tells a darkly amusing anecdote; he had a long term relationship while he was going through some of the worst of his addiction/generally being an a$$hole/cheating on her. She broke up with him. And on his birthday, she sent him an inflatable globe and a card. It read: "Happy birthday. I gave you the world. Have fun blowing it up." Edited October 10, 2018 by josie 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
North Buffalo Posted October 10, 2018 Report Share Posted October 10, 2018 Heard it many years ago from a Heroin addict friend who at the time was getting help... dark humor.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
josie Posted October 10, 2018 Report Share Posted October 10, 2018 8 minutes ago, North Buffalo said: Heard it many years ago from a Heroin addict friend who at the time was getting help... dark humor.. Yeah, and it's absolutely freakin' true, too. I told it to my friend when her then husband was pawning her stuff to buy more junk. I swear it made a lightbulb go on in her head, helped her cope a bit. Bless dark humor man, it gets you through. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
North Buffalo Posted October 10, 2018 Report Share Posted October 10, 2018 (edited) An old dark political Joke: John Heinz, Lee Attwater and John Tower all died within a month. John Heinz... a great man... crying shame, Lee Attwater father of Republican Revolution... wouldnt wish the brain tumors he died of on your worst enemy and too many he was... John Tower... who cares... he was a drunk. Heard a lot of cigar jokes about Clinton but cant remember them right now. Edited October 10, 2018 by North Buffalo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ubkev Posted October 11, 2018 Report Share Posted October 11, 2018 (edited) Warning: this one's bad. [Deleted by moderator] Edited October 11, 2018 by nfreeman Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
North Buffalo Posted October 11, 2018 Report Share Posted October 11, 2018 Reminds me if the few lawyer jokes I remember... Bus load of lawyers going off a cliff... a good start... A bus load of lawyers going off a cliff with one seat empty.... a crying shame... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
woods-racer Posted October 11, 2018 Report Share Posted October 11, 2018 4 hours ago, ubkev said: Warning: this one's bad. [Deleted by moderator] Bummer. Had to be a good one if it got deleted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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