The even randomer thread

[sabills]

7 hours ago, ubkev said:

One of my dogs has the runs. No big deal, I think. Just frequent bathroom trips for him for a day or two. Anyway, I was just awoken by his panicked cries, letting me know he needs to go outside RIGHT NOW! Well, we made it on time. No accident in the house!

...just as he's finishing up, his brother scares up a rabbit and they both decide that 3am will be a good time for them to murder it. Well, now I have to chase 2 blood lusting Shiba Inus chasing a rabbit through the yard, just trying to intervene long enough to get the rabbit a fighting chance at getting through the fence. I failed. Johnny Utah pounced, Bodhi pounced. The rabbit stood no chance. I caught up and separated the 3 parties. It was too late. Peter Cottontail had been maimed and wouldn't be long for this world. I scooped up the 2 attempted murderers and perp walked em back to their cages. Lockdown! As Velveteen lay prostrate and helpless in the back yard, awaiting the clutches of death, I was faced with a decision. Leave the beast to suffer or put down humanely. Well, my house is in the city and directly behind a school, so shooting the rabbit is off the table. I'm also not going to let the dogs eat it. Ignoring my beautiful wife's advice to knife the ***** thing (she's all "I don't mean stab it repeatedly. I just meant for you to poke it in the neck.") Sorry hunny, poke it in the neck? You mean stab...say stab, psycho woman! So here I am... machete in hand. Just like Jason Vorhees. I look like a friggin cartoon! I've dispatched the rabbit. I'm writing this to you as I drink my bourbon and wait for this ***** things legs to stop twitching. 

 

All the best,

K

 

Edit:

Post Script: walking through the backyard, scouting the scene before I let the dogs outside again. Making sure all is clear. There's ***** rabbit parts everywhere! Bloody tufts of fur and *****. Walking through my backyard with a poop bag doing crime scene cleanup. 

Edit 2:

Post Post Script: The rain falls now. Washing away all memory from the night. From the night. Not from me, for I shall remember this night henceforth! Forever shall it haunt my soul!

 

By the way, kill count for the summer: Bodhi: 2 birds and 1 rabbit. Johnny Utah: 1 bird, 1 groundhog and 1 rabbit. Last year these two killed more birds than freshly Windexed glass. They got into a moles nest and murdered a whole family, which they then made me an accessory to. I've just got to face facts. I live with 2 supreme murder machines. They don't have guilt, nor empathy. Just drive. And the look in their eyes...pure joy. Sociopathic dogs. They go right back to cuddling with me once they're finished. Sociopathic....hmm....what if murder is an instinct?

... kidding! Ok, drinking more now!

Its just a matter of time before my dog gets something. We're in the city with a small backyard, but being in the city we get rabbits, mice, and yes, rats back there. Every night before bed I let him out there and he tears through the backyard checking the couple places they hide. I've seen him within an inch of catching something back there a few times. Dachshund/Terrier mix, its what he's made to do, so I don't blame him, I just don't feel like cleaning up a mess.

Though I won't mind when if he gets a few rats, as long as he doesn't get himself all scratched up first.

 

[ubkev]

10 minutes ago, sabills said:

Its just a matter of time before my dog gets something. We're in the city with a small backyard, but being in the city we get rabbits, mice, and yes, rats back there. Every night before bed I let him out there and he tears through the backyard checking the couple places they hide. I've seen him within an inch of catching something back there a few times. Dachshund/Terrier mix, its what he's made to do, so I don't blame him, I just don't feel like cleaning up a mess.

Though I won't mind when if he gets a few rats, as long as he doesn't get himself all scratched up first.

 

He won't, he's a ratter. It's in his blood. Small critters don't stand a chance.

[sabills]

1 hour ago, ubkev said:

He won't, he's a ratter. It's in his blood. Small critters don't stand a chance.

He almost had one last winter when we were walking near the Richardson complex. If I hadn't been holding the leash he would have had it. He was so excited the whole walk back, haha.

[Weave]

The dog we recently put down was a squirrel killing machine in his prime.

As a pup he’d start the chase halfway across the yard, expending all kinds of energy, but the squirrels made it to a tree before he got them.  Then one day he was napping on the deck and woke to a squirrel foraging towards him.  This time he waited and got the ambush he needed.  The chase lasted maybe 15’. The lightbulb went on and he became a very efficient ambush killer.

I *almost* felt sorry for the tree rats.  Once he got them it was play time.  He’d let it go and recatch it.  Squirrel never had a chance once first caught though.  They were way too badly hobbled to survive the game.

And it ended up a mess.

[josie]

Our cat is a murderer. .... of Carter's elbow. Or a piece of dental floss. Or a hoodie string.

 

A moth, spider, ant, or other varmint? Yeah, no, stare at it, pat it, squeak at it, otherwise hopeless. Which is just as well, last thing I need is him eating some poisonous bug or a spider coated in insecticide that stumbled inside. 

[...]

10 hours ago, ubkev said:

One of my dogs has the runs....

... kidding! Ok, drinking more now!

Great story!  Made me LOL at work.  My dogs will randomly catch and murder things, but as well as yours, apparently. I might find pieces-parts a couple of times a year.  I think the falcons or eagles or whatever they are that come from Amherst to hunt in my neighborhood are far more prolific.  You always know when a bird-of-prey has successfully found a victim, especially in the winter.

[Taro T]

4 hours ago, josie said:

Our cat is a murderer. .... of Carter's elbow. Or a piece of dental floss. Or a hoodie string.

 

A moth, spider, ant, or other varmint? Yeah, no, stare at it, pat it, squeak at it, otherwise hopeless. Which is just as well, last thing I need is him eating some poisonous bug or a spider coated in insecticide that stumbled inside. 

Wife's cat from way back when was even more pathetic than that the 1st year or 2.  If the Weasel (my name for it, not hers) saw an ant it would get to just over an arm's length away, cover its face with 1 paw and bat at it with the other.

Pathetic.

[sabills]

Here's the great hunter himself in action tonight

https://streamable.com/rsb9p

[ubkev]

7 minutes ago, sabills said:

Here's the great hunter himself in action tonight

https://streamable.com/rsb9p

Just clearing out HIS yard.

[shrader]

We have one of those entry lanes to our parking garage where you have to scan an ID before the arm lifts up.  For some strange reason this morning, two women decided to stand in the middle of that lane and have a conversation.  It was a true marvel of obliviousness.

[darksabre]

30 minutes ago, shrader said:

We have one of those entry lanes to our parking garage where you have to scan an ID before the arm lifts up.  For some strange reason this morning, two women decided to stand in the middle of that lane and have a conversation.  It was a true marvel of obliviousness.

Were they middle-aged? 

I remarked to Jo during our road trip last week that middle-aged women are some of the most oblivious people on the planet in parking lots. There were three distinct occasions where one would just spin around from the back of their car and into traffic like a child not holding onto the shopping cart. Old guys in Air Monarchs grabbing their wives by the arm to stop them from getting run over is apparently a thing. 

[shrader]

I just had a carrot that was shaped exactly like a crab claw.

[ubkev]

I work with 2 ***** who like The Voice. Ya know, that stupid karaoke TV? Anyway, they insist on showing me clips of it. I've told them numerous times that I don't care, so now I'm just rude about it. I'm pretty sure I'm the ***** in this situation. But I'm also positive that they are bigger *****.

them: "Oh my God, you have to see how amazing this is!" 

me: "I'd change the song 10 times out of 10 if it was being played by the original artist. It sucked then, this sucks worse. Little kids singing sucks, your taste in entertainment sucks. I hate everything that comes out of your mouth. I told you all of this last week, why are you still talking to me?"

me: "oh, ***** perfect! I hate The Voice in English, I'm sure it'll be much better in all French! You suck!"

me: "Australian The Voice? ***** really? Where do you find this horse *****? Wait a minute, who's that skid row Boy George judging? That's the real Boy George? Wow, he doesn't look as bad as I thought he would."

them: "well...I hope you enjoyed this little thing that brings me joy."

me: "I didn't. Good day."

Edited September 23, 2019 by ubkev

[SwampD]

26 minutes ago, ubkev said:

I work with 2 ***** who like The Voice. Ya know, that stupid karaoke TV? Anyway, they insist on showing me clips of it. I've told them numerous times that I don't care, so now I'm just rude about it. I'm pretty sure I'm the ***** in this situation. But I'm also positive that they are bigger *****.

them: "Oh my God, you have to see how amazing this is!" 

me: "I'd change the song 10 times out of 10 if it was being played by the original artist. It sucked then, this sucks worse. Little kids singing sucks, your taste in entertainment sucks. I hate everything that comes out of your mouth. I told you all of this last week, why are you still talking to me?"

me: "oh, ***** perfect! I hate The Voice in English, I'm sure it'll be much better in all French! You suck!"

me: "Australian The Voice? ***** really? Where do you find this horse *****? Wait a minute, who's that skid row Boy George judging? That's the real Boy George? Wow, he doesn't look as bad as I thought he would."

them: "well...I hope you enjoyed this little thing that brings me joy."

me: "I didn't. Good day."

No, your right.

 

 

[Drunkard]

16 hours ago, ubkev said:

I work with 2 ***** who like The Voice. Ya know, that stupid karaoke TV? Anyway, they insist on showing me clips of it. I've told them numerous times that I don't care, so now I'm just rude about it. I'm pretty sure I'm the ***** in this situation. But I'm also positive that they are bigger *****.

them: "Oh my God, you have to see how amazing this is!" 

me: "I'd change the song 10 times out of 10 if it was being played by the original artist. It sucked then, this sucks worse. Little kids singing sucks, your taste in entertainment sucks. I hate everything that comes out of your mouth. I told you all of this last week, why are you still talking to me?"

me: "oh, ***** perfect! I hate The Voice in English, I'm sure it'll be much better in all French! You suck!"

me: "Australian The Voice? ***** really? Where do you find this horse *****? Wait a minute, who's that skid row Boy George judging? That's the real Boy George? Wow, he doesn't look as bad as I thought he would."

them: "well...I hope you enjoyed this little thing that brings me joy."

me: "I didn't. Good day."

You should repeatedly show them videos of midget wrestling or something off the wall like that and act like it's your life passion. Then every time they go on about it start doing wrestling moves in the office (resist the urge to suplex or body slam either of them so you don't get fired or sued) or pretend to call someone, talk really loud into the phone, and blather on about how lame the Voice is and how awesome midget wrestling is.

[josie]

16 hours ago, ubkev said:

I work with 2 ***** who like The Voice. Ya know, that stupid karaoke TV? Anyway, they insist on showing me clips of it. I've told them numerous times that I don't care, so now I'm just rude about it. I'm pretty sure I'm the ***** in this situation. But I'm also positive that they are bigger *****.

them: "Oh my God, you have to see how amazing this is!" 

me: "I'd change the song 10 times out of 10 if it was being played by the original artist. It sucked then, this sucks worse. Little kids singing sucks, your taste in entertainment sucks. I hate everything that comes out of your mouth. I told you all of this last week, why are you still talking to me?"

me: "oh, ***** perfect! I hate The Voice in English, I'm sure it'll be much better in all French! You suck!"

me: "Australian The Voice? ***** really? Where do you find this horse *****? Wait a minute, who's that skid row Boy George judging? That's the real Boy George? Wow, he doesn't look as bad as I thought he would."

them: "well...I hope you enjoyed this little thing that brings me joy."

me: "I didn't. Good day."

I'd somehow been insulated from more reality tv fans being an art idiot in college/working at a video game company.

 

Now i work with a broader demographic and I my desk is by the break room... my god, I didn't believe real people actually cared about the Kardashians. Or the Bachelor/ette. They care. They really care. Like... they care.

We were at a drinks after work situation for a coworker's marriage announcement and all these beautiful women I work with all got on the topic of plastic surgery... how they all want lip fillers, jaw shaving, how they wish their boyfriends/husbands would get work done... and I just... couldn't even, y'all. I really like these people. They're not stupid, they're kind, they're fun, they're great coworkers that make this job bearable. But wow my eyes start crossing the minute they start babbling about Kylie this and Khloe that. Feigning interest- I should get a damn Oscar. 

[shrader]

21 hours ago, shrader said:

I just had a carrot that was shaped exactly like a crab claw.

 

[Taro T]

21 minutes ago, shrader said:

 

If you come back next with a yam that looks like Richard Milhouse Nixon or a beetabega, we might have to make sure they keep sharp objects away from you, Cliff.  For your own good, of course. ?

[spndnchz]

Where can you buy vinyl records nowadays?

[spndnchz]

Think I found one. Hi-fi hits. 

Anyone been there?

[Eleven]

4 hours ago, spndnchz said:

Think I found one. Hi-fi hits. 

Anyone been there?

Not there, but there was/is a good shop on Bryant Street, right near Aroma.

[spndnchz]

47 minutes ago, Eleven said:

Not there, but there was/is a good shop on Bryant Street, right near Aroma.

Are you thinking of Revolver?

[darksabre]

I'm in Salt Lake right now, right? Ran into a Buffalo comedian, Matt Bergman, and a lady friend of his (from Lewiston) at Beerhive. Just spent the last few hours drinking beers and checking out Mormon ***** with them. 

Small. *****in. World.

[Eleven]

3 hours ago, spndnchz said:

Are you thinking of Revolver?

Yes, I think I am.  Are they gone?  That place was great.

[Ogre]

I haven’t owned sweatpants since high school, for a reason unbeknownst to me, some 30 yrs ago. I Primed myself a pair and am wearing them for the first time today. 

GD I am comfortable! I may just switch over my entire wardrobe