It's A Wonderful Life, Teddy

[Stoner]

By Robviously (first written in 1999 as "It's A Wonderful Life, Lindy," but just now adapted to fit your 2014 screen by PASabreFan)

It was December 20, just three hours before the Buffalo Sabres were to play the Colorado Avalanche, but Head Coach Teddy Nolan wasn't in the Christmas spirit. He was sitting on a bench in the Naval Park and moping about in a rather foul mood despite the holiday revelers heading in droves with their skates toward the Ice at Canalside. The constant travel and stress of being the coach had landed him a rare case of the adult mumps. His one cheek was swollen and he had a terrible headache.

"Oh, we're never going to win the Stanley Cup for Terry and Kim," he sighed. "Our power play is awful and I don't know if we can be called the hardest working team in hockey again after laying that egg in Winnipeg. Sometimes I wish that I had never become the head coach of the Buffalo Sabres!"

Just then, a strong gust of wind blew and a small, old man appeared behind him. Teddy turned and was startled by the sudden appearance of the man, whom he had not heard approaching.

"Hey, little fella, you just scared the hell out of me! I didn't hear you coming," cried Teddy.

"You didn't hear me coming because I'm an angel. My name is Seymour and I'm here to help you see just how great you have it as the head coach of the Buffalo Sabres," replied the man.

"Awww, you're screwy! Listen mister, if you really were an angel then you could probably see just how bad things are for me. The team is going nowhere but 25th place and those guys on the Internet won't stop making fun of me. Some guy called TrueBluePhD keeps pissing in my Cheerios with his analytics mumbo jumbo. Everybody would be better off if I had never become the coach of this team!"

"You don't know how wrong you are! If only I could make you see," mused Seymour. He looked up at the stars and seemed to be talking to them for a moment before continuing. "Why, that's it! I'll grant you your wish and then we'll see if you like what you see!"

Another strong gust of wind blew past and suddenly an iPad came tumbling across the snow — good thing it was an Air — and stopped at Teddy's feet. He picked it up and saw that it was displaying thehockeynews.com. Oddly enough, the Sabres were featured and the headline read, "Still the Worst Team in Hockey." Ted was dismayed by this. He knew that the team had had its share of problems, but being called the worst in the league seemed like a bit of a stretch, especially since they had left Edmonton and Carolina in their dust. He looked at Seymour with wide eyes.

"Say, I can tell you're a little crazy, but I think you're making me loopy too. What is this, some kind of a practical joke?" he asked.

"No, the Sabres aren't your team anymore. You were never there to lead them through the tough times after some gardener named Ran really screwed things up. There were no signs of progress the year after the real tank year of 2013-14. You were never their coach. Look, even your mumps are gone," replied Seymour, who immediately grabbed the iPad and googled whether it should be "mumps is" or "mumps are," then gave up.

Teddy felt his cheek and was shocked. His head felt fine and he could swallow again. He was healthy!

"I don't know what your deal is, but you might have discovered the cure for the mumps. C'mon, I'll go buy you a drink to thank you," said Teddy. He and Seymour started towards a local bar, though Seymour did not seem very excited at what he might find there.

They made their way underneath street lights and felt the snow begin to fall around them. Rushing into the bar to beat the cold, they found that it was not very crowded. Teddy seemed to recognize a voice from the corner of the room. He walked over to a dirty, drunken man and nearly had a heart attack! It was Tyler Ennis!

"Tyler! Tyler, what are you doing? You're drunk and you have a game in a few hours! What's happened?" cried Teddy.

"Say mister, could you spare me a buck? It's cold and I need something to keep me warm," said Tyler Ennis, more drunk than any man should ever be and sporting a homemade, uneven buzz cut to boot.

"Tyler? Tyler, don't you know me?" asked Teddy. The bartender was starting to take notice of what was unfolding in his establishment.

"Hey buddy, you got a problem with my best customer?" he spat. Teddy took no notice of the man behind the bar and instead looked to Seymour.

"Seymour, what's going on? This is crazy! Tyler would never be like this!"

"I'm sorry, Teddy. You were never there to help him start to really blossom into an elite NHL center, or wing, whatever. After a while he gave up and took to drinking. Now he spends all his money at bars much like this one and often takes to prostitutes," Seymour sadly replied.

Teddy stormed out of the bar and Seymour followed close behind. Unfortunately, the former coach was so dismayed that he didn't know where to go next.

"Seymour, where's Gionta? I need to see him. Does he know what happened to Tyler?" whispered Teddy. Seymour shrugged and snapped his fingers. Before he knew it, Teddy found himself in a restaurant and there, in a small booth, was Brian Gionta accompanied by a hideous woman. Teddy looked at Seymour and was just as surprised as before.

"Who's that woman he's with?" he asked. "Where's, uh, hang on... Harvest?" asked Teddy after checking out Gionta's Wikipedia page.

"Harvest? Really? That's odd. No, that's his wife, Beatrice. You were never there to name him captain of the Sabres, and he didn't get any praise for mentoring the kids. He was let go in training camp and didn't catch on with another team and that's the most attractive woman he could get," grumbled Seymour, who was equally dismayed by what he saw.

"But she's twice his size!" cried Teddy. He stormed over to the table and began shaking Gionta, screaming, "What's happened to you, Brian? What's wrong?" Brian Gionta was scared by the angry man and began to cry.

"Please sir, I don't like confrontations, don't cartwheel me," he wept. By now, the restaurant owners were calling the police and reporting that a crazed individual was attacking one of their customers. Teddy regained his composure and soon rushed out before he was arrested.

Seymour followed, and once they were safely away, Teddy asked to see Tyler Myers. This time, Seymour seemed even less enthusiastic about showing Teddy what had happened, but he was adamant. Once more, Seymour snapped his fingers and they both found themselves on a common street somewhere in the suburbs. All seemed well, and for a moment, Teddy thought that Tyler had simply started a family and lived a normal life. Then came the sound of breaking glass. Teddy looked to the source of the sound and there saw Tyler Myers dressed all in black breaking into someone's home, not even needing to stand on recycling bins to get into the window. Seymour stepped up and began to explain.

"You were never there to help him find his consistency and remind everyone of his rookie year and hog major minutes. Before long, he grew disenchanted and gave up his dream of winning the Norris. Now, he robs people of their belongings to pay for his Marfan's meds."

"Are they all like this? Are all my players like this?" asked Teddy, now on the verge of tears.

"I'm afraid so...even some of the prospects never made it."

"Wait, you don't mean Zemgus! Please, tell me he's alright! Please, I have to see!" cried Teddy.

"OK, Teddy, but you won't like it," replied Seymour, whose voice took on an extremely serious tone. He snapped his fingers once more and, in a flash, they were both in a graveyard. Teddy immediately recognized the implications. He spun around and there before him was the gravestone of Zemgus Girgensons. Bewildered, he looked to Seymour for one last horrible explanation.

"When the team never started showing signs of progress after finishing 30th under Ran, the fans began screaming for a trade. Joe Battista and a couple of Pegula's other cronies were pressured into dealing Zemgus to Los Angeles. Once there, he took to sun worshipping and his Latvian constitution just couldn't take it. He died of Vitamin D overdose on a sidewalk on Sunset Boulevard while tourists snapped pictures," said Seymour, now on the verge of tears himself.

At this, Teddy finally broke down. How could things have turned out so wrong? How could he have not seen how important he was to his team?

"Seymour, take me back. I want to coach again! Bring me back, I'll do anything!" begged Teddy.

At this, Seymour smiled and snapped his fingers once more. Teddy found himself back at the Naval Park. Seymour was gone, but something else was different. Teddy realized the football shaped protuberance on his cheek was there again. He was back! He began running through the streets of Buffalo on his way to the First Niagara Center, the happiest man on earth.

"Merry Christmas, revitalized waterfront! Merry Christmas, movie house! Merry Christmas, bustling downtown area! Merry Christmas, you beautiful old building and loan! Merry Christmas, HarborCenter! Merry Christmas, whatever the hell they're calling the arena now!" he cried as he ran up the escalator, taking three steps at a time.

When he stormed into the locker room, he was shocked at what he saw. Tyler Ennis was sober. Brian Gionta was wearing the captain's "C" on his sweater. Tyler Myers was over by Drew Stafford's locker admiring his aluminum Festivus Pole. Zemgus Girgensons was robo-voting on nhl.com.

"Merry Christmas everybody! Tyler, you're not drunk! Brian, you're not married to a fat woman! Tyler, you haven't taken to a life of crime! And Zemgus, you're not dead!" he nearly sang.

The players all seemed bewildered by the remarks except for Nikita Zadorov, who didn't notice anything out of the ordinary, and actually seemed pleased. Just then, the horn sounded from above the ice surface. Zemgus Girgensons smiled and looked at his coach.

"Look coach, teacher says every time the horn blows, an angel gets his wings."

"That's right! That's right!" replied Teddy. He was so overjoyed at seeing and hearing Zemgus alive and well that he gave him a sloppy kiss on the forehead.

At that, the entire team, even Nikita, was puzzled, and Mike Harrington took to Twitter to finger the kerfuffle as the reason the Avalanche rolled over the Sabres later that night, 5-1.

The End

Edited January 30, 2015 by PASabreFan

[Sabres Fan in NS]

A highlight of every Holiday Season. Thanks, PA.

 

I look forward to this story resurfacing almost as much as 11's annual Christmas ditty.

[dudacek]

We need a like button.

[dEnnis the Menace]

fabulous lol

[darksabre]

This reinvention of a classic pleases Nikita.

[TrueBlueGED]

I take great pride in nearly ruining fake Teddy Nolan's life :D

[K-9]

I laughed, I cried, I enjoyed the ride. A true Capraesque moment.

 

Well done, PA.

[Huckleberry]

:clapping:

[thewookie1]

Well done good sir, well done indeed.

 

How about the Night Before Christmas?

[Robviously]

Finally, a sequel (or special edition, whatever) that tops the original! Well done, Mr. PA.

 

Also, the 1999 version probably had a lot of references the youngsters around here wouldn't get. The Aud Club inside jokes are a huge upgrade.

[Stoner]

Finally, a sequel (or special edition, whatever) that tops the original! Well done, Mr. PA.

 

Also, the 1999 version probably had a lot of references the youngsters around here wouldn't get. The Aud Club inside jokes are a huge upgrade.

 

I butchered it. And, to think, this is the version scholars will "unearth" in 3,000 years.

[Samson's Flow]

This pleases Nikita.

 

Also, Tyler Myers would be the worst criminal possible. Not sure a guy his size could ever not be spotted.

[Eleven]

Very nice work.

[biodork]

Finally got around to reading this. Good stuff, PA.