josie

Guilt with a side of nagging followed by a lot of humble pie, most likely. I'd rather spend another tgiving with d4rk's family. They're so damn chill. It's so damn nice. But I am thankful to face a thanksgiving dinner and not be recovering from surgery/anesthetic that nearly killed me this year. And I can walk. So I've got that. The rest is trivial.

This is what it is like to go shopping with d4rk. I'm a fast shopper. My mother was as you describe, so in reaction, I'm an apologetic mess if I'm not done within like 20 minutes and d4rk is with me. But if he dares to try on shoes... or really most things... we just don't shop together. I'd kill him. <3

:w00t:

I cut coffee and my life has been a lot less... sh!tty. Now it's just headaches. But then I ate something either last night or today that resulted in 15 minutes of both ways violent hell at work. Mine is a very unpredictable system.... and with all the panic attacks I've been having lately it's just... Dr. Kevorkian, paging Dr. Kevorkian.....

Oh whoops! Got my details mixed up. That's awesome. They really grew on me the last few years. Guess I just wasn't ready for them when I was younger haha

I was asked to be part of an online group that functions much like the intent of the safety pin. I think the pin has fallen out of favor for a myriad of reasons. I know a lot of LGBTQ people, they're young, they're frightened. I was a "safe figure" to them when I taught at RIT, and while I have yet to be asked to accompany anyone anywhere or anything, I think for a lot of these kids it's comforting knowing someone's got their back. Can't hurt. I'm not coddling anyone. I'm not particularly outspoken anywhere. They know I'd stay calm in a situation. I doubt I'll actually ever be asked to do anything, as where we currently live is a pretty chill place. However, friends of mine back home in rural Ohio HAVE been called upon to just carpool places and such. Been a deal more hatred out there, and facing it alone can be pretty daunting. I've been there. People are nervous. Some are certainly overreacting, sure. I'm a sexual assault survivor. I wish someone had been there for me, wish I'd known who I could reach out to. I'd rather extend my hand just in case, and be their vent/safe space. Not really arguing here, just offering a perspective.

Yeah! I believe Layne wrote it about his father's experiences in Nam? I remember a bit from a doc where his father actually came to one of his gigs, and was standing in the back. Layne saw him and they played Rooster last. Turned out to be really touching. That was the song that came on first, actually. Followed by Down in a Hole and Them Bones. Then there was some Screaming Trees and Pearl Jam before it kinda segued into some more modern stuff I don't really know or dig. It was a real nice change from the usual Bieber and Rihanna, though.

Last Thursday at open practice, I was doing some routine stuff on hoop and the playlist was all grunge/alt rock/metal. Usually it's just top 40 dance stuff playing. I know there's quite the debate in here about loving/hating grunge, but I've been in a hole pretty much ever since. Spinning around upside down to Alice in Chains after a bad week was oddly cathartic.

Oh my god, my favorite. Guy i know, who mercifully is now a goalie, did that. He managed to rocket a puck into my ankle and it resulted in a deep bone bruise and my first stint on crutches! Man, I miss playing, hopefully I can avoid getting hurt so damn much when I get back to it...

I have a commemorative sticker I got when I visited Susan B Anthony's grave Tuesday after I voted. It doesn't say anything about Hillary, but I'd wager that a good percentage of the thousands of people (who were a good 90% women) there with me cast a blue vote that day. Many of them had shirts and hats and stuff with Hillary's symbol on it. Wonder what you do with that sort of thing now. Stick it in the closet? Wear it anyway? Yeah, it's just a sticker, but it's a little historical souvenir that will always feel a little bitter. Kinda like when I saw Gore Liebermann stickers on bumpers for years following that debacle... Ah well, there will be more chances in my lifetime. Or at least my hypothetical children's! Onward.

There will still be a few weeks, but that is certainly welcome news. He's a determined guy.

Ours have been too green or too ripe. No in between! ... oh.

Thanks, guys! I'll take a look at it when I get some time here. I learned that I make wayyyyy more mistakes copying and pasting, so I, too, just typed it all out. So many refreshings wondering why the code wasn't working, and realizing it was a missing bracket or underscore because I got lazy. That's rough. His struggle and your futility. I hope it all works out, for both of you! And seriously, good on you for looking past his appearance and seeing the talent underneath. I know a polished interview presence is important, but there are stories like this out there!

haha ok, good to know. I was just... completely lost! Such a totally different logical direction from what I'd been working with. I like what I've learned already. I incorrectly assumed it would be like learning math... it's much more like learning a new foreign language. Hence why they're called languages, I'm sure! I'll look at Python next. The teaching on codecademy is sort of stunted. My friend says I should just try to build a website and see what happens. Poke around on github and such. I don't know what I don't know, so it's all pretty daunting to me. I'd like to take a structured class in it.

I was young and naive! I didn't know! I didn't know any better! Then I played with a guy we nicknamed Trash Dump. And I learned.

Can confirm. His gloves/gear in general is vile. Eye stinging. An old pair of shoulder pads of his- I considered using them in a halloween costume... oh good lord no. Knew a guy in high school who wore his full goalie pads around school on Halloween once... he was clearing hallways and classrooms. Was ordered to take them off. It was rank. My gloves were used when I got them. I used to think they reeked, but I'm so used to it now. And the other guys on the bench always smelled worse anyways!

Ahahah I like her. Someday we'll all have a beer together!

Well honey, if I make it big by painting hockey players somehow, you can stay at home and roll around with the cat and kids all you like. As long as you also promise to clean up the barf. <3

Sorry, that's my misuse of synonyms to avoid repeating more common terms. Kinda backfires sometimes haha Not stationed in that sense. D4rk works in the solar industry. A couple more years where he is now is necessary for stability, and then perhaps we can move somewhere else. Oh I absolutely agree that love doesn't pay the bills. I'm lucky that d4rk and I have a pretty solid understanding of this. We're both very pragmatic people. I have been struggling with the idea of him making more than me and being a "kept woman" for some time now, let alone him being sole major income for even a brief period of time. I prefer to be as financially independent as possible. My mother was a stay at home mom and she has always been torn between being happy she was there for us and regretful she didn't become the big business woman she was expected to be. My father was privileged enough to make a salary that made this possible. I'm not too stupid with my money. I won't go without a job for longer than a month or two, and even that I will be making enough off freelance to pay my rent, gas, and car payments without dipping into my savings. I can tighten my belt. I already barely eat :P Even if d4rk were to make a salary like my father, I would work. I refuse to not contribute as much as possible. As to the squabbling- you're right there too. We squabbled plenty. I'm responsible for lighting a fire under his a$$ to figure out his life. And he listened. And worked his butt off. And he's doing really well now. Now it's my turn to wallow around figuring things out!

That is an extraordinary statement that I haven't heard anywhere else this year! Happy for you. Hope your luck continues.

haha well, I have been attempting to teach myself some basic stuff. A little CSS, HTML, Java... I got to Ruby and was like... what the heck is happening here.... I just haven't had enough time/a good way to really get to a functional level. I have been using codecademy and poking my dev pals for pointers. I'd like to learn some, I think it would help my chances in an advertising agency. My best friend at this company was a female game dev. She left because of the b.s. she faced constantly. She was a better programmer than most people here, but they treated her like a novice. She's at MailChimp in Atlanta being a rockstar now. If I quit soon, I may take a trip down there and just go through a weekend crash course she's offered to me on learning this stuff. My skills have been outdated to some degree. Coding could be fun.

I went on my rant and my browser didn't tell me there were new replies. I've been searching for a new job for some time now. I'm against a deadline to move in May. I may pick up some part time work and utilize my savings, which I have been carefully hoarding for a while just in case this had to happen. I accept your apology. I guess everyone is hot under the collar right now, what with the week's events. I think everyone could do with a few deep breaths and few less generalizations, which, ironically, I realize is a generalization. Thanks. I've been considering it. The trouble is, d4rk and I have been apart for a couple years now and were hoping to live together/start all that homey marriage stuff. He is stationed in Buffalo for at least a few years. I'll make it work. It's just very frustrating. If I have to change my entire career path, I will. It seems I may have to.

It's been a fun five years though! No health care for 2 years despite salary, started me below minimum wage, have repeatedly ignored me and others because we are female. Other people on this board have left jobs for their wellbeing and mental health, and it is championed. But yeah, my boss who once told me "well, why would your opinion matter, you only can play girl games" DOES kind of make me feel like daily, I suck. I pushed to be a teacher and change lives in addition to my 40 hours a week at this job, I work hard volunteering every weekend, I do freelance for everything from LGBTQ organizations to right wing minded military patches. But, guess I'll just go be a welfare queen now! I'm a millenial, no way I could possibly have been looking for a new job the last six months as all of this has gotten worse! I'm too irresponsible! Shucks, guess I'll just go protest in the streets about my feelings. That's what I'm supposed to do, right? Generalizations are dangerous. I've been reverting to lurker on this forum for some time now, mostly just posting in this sad thread or off topics or offering condolences to people. I haven't had the heart to do a lot of art, and that was my only special role here anyways. That and honorary old lady of d4rk. I have written and deleted so many things, I just don't have the time/guts to get into it. ALL generations b!tch about ALL other generations. There are trends, but to generalize an individual's life is to blur your own humanity. Maybe it's more comforting, I don't know. Every person you meet has a struggle. I have a hockey bag to go p!ss in ;)

Was brought upstairs by the bosses for a "conversation", aka, "you seem disengaged". They proceeded to tell me how disappointed they were I wasn't using this new animation program. "But I did an entire game in it back in May" says, I. "oh. We forgot". Says they. Told me they were unhappy with some UI I did for a game. Next sentence, what you did do was really great! So What's the problem? "Eh, you just seem... unhappy. And that needs to change." Yes, I have been disengaged. It's hard not to be. Not easy to give 110% to people who don't respect you. I did for years, I guess I mentally checked out earlier this year. It's not good on my part. I feel bad. I haven't missed any deadlines or inconvenienced anyone, but I do feel guilty. I decided that in a couple of weeks, enough to blow them away on my newest assignment, I'm going to tell them I wish to quit at the end of the year. I'll be facing unemployment besides my freelance (which means I'll be below poverty level) until I can hopefully find a job in Buffalo, or decide to go back to school. I am talking to a person I met who's a professor at University of Oregon about my options in going nutritional/veterinary science. I'm terrified, but I need to do it. I'm walking away from an ok salary and feeling like sh!t about it, but I don't know if I'll live through the winter if I don't. My mental health is gone. I'm in bad shape. They dropped this on me on Tuesday, so I was in pretty rough shape long before the election finished up. Oh, sorry, I'm just a stupid millenial- I'm sure I'm just an ungrateful sack of sh!t! Hang on, looking for those f**king bootstraps...

Dropped everything to do a RED ALERT! last minute request from the boss. Finished it in record time. Couldn't be bothered to look at it because OMG it's drop everything and go to the bar time!!!!!! Managed to grab him on his way out, but man, the priorities here... He couldn't come in until 430 pm last Friday because of a hangover. Bunch of the others just didn't bother showing up. Give me strength....